Below are the 8 most recent journal entries recorded in bigmikeisme's LiveJournal:

Monday, March 13th, 2006
8:28 pm	My Demons are My demons taunt me with pain, pain of my past. Never allowing me to heal. My demons show me the visions of past pain, manifesting itself in my present. My demons are toxins, infecting every aspect of euphoria that is present in my life My demons are ingenious, knowing just when to infiltrate to disrupt my pleasure. My demons want me to retreat, So they can strike when I am not looking. My Demons are timorous, when I try to stand my ground. Only to run again! My Demons see that I am broken-down, unwilling to run no longer! My demons can see my fatigue, And pounce to finish me off! My demons and I are eye to eye, They have no power when I face them. My Demons are tethered, by my acknowledgement of them. The minute I forget, The Demons will consume me again! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
8:28 pm	The worst day of my life was the day I said "I Do". Unknowingly changed and hurt the one that I said my vows to. Three years of pain have changed her too. A Taller and thicker brick wall, That somehow I have to get through. I have pushed her away, And now she cant see our marriage following through. A million regrets of not doing the things I said I was going to do. One Hundred sorry's, forgive me's, and promises of change to make her feel safe and ok. She always gave another chance again and again. Finally the day came, and all of the chances came to an end. Now all of the pain release from her, and rushed into me. Hurting her I commited the ultimate sin. Can't undo what is done, the hurt will resinate within. Lost the love of my life, due to a selfish beast who thought his day would never come. A heart covered in darkness and pain is the sentence that has been given. And there it will stay, until the day she can trust me to let me back in! (2 Comments |Comment on this)
8:27 pm	Disaster has struck down to the seepest depths of my soul. A self made train wreck, that I set into motion. Forced to watch as my life starts to crack and crumble. Looking in shock as I observe and survey the damage that I have caused. The warmth has been replaced with ICE as thick as a heavy layer of fog. How I could tear apart something so so sweet, which is now just bitter! Joy turns to Anger & Resentment, Anger turns to numb feeling of nothingness. Mind running random "what if's" and "should have's" How I could have changed into something so self-consumed? My regret is I hurt the love of my life. No way to alter the pain I have brought forth. I have left a lasting scar, that may never heal. Lost in my self created Disaster! (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, March 11th, 2006
10:41 am	????????????????????????// well Tracy went out again, I am however pretty sure that she isnt having sex with this guy. She has told me that she has been wanting to have people that she can hang out with. AndI know that she doesnt get alone most with females. So my thought is how would she react to me going out with females. Cause I just dont like guys! lol I dont know just want for her to be happy but shit!! I know guys, we are dogs! I am trying to better myself, I am praying for a outcome that is most likely not going to happen. I do love her, I love her with all of my heart! THus the reason it hurts so bad. She told me that she just wants to be happy. I asked her if being with out me is going to make her happy, and she told me that she didnt know. She stated that she isnt happy with me due to the way that we are unable to interact. So I am going to change the way that we interact with each other. And I stated that if we can get along and she has her friends that she can go and have a good time with. Then we shouldnt have trouble staying together. She told me that there has been alot of damage done and dosent know if it can be overcome. I dont know, All I know is that if I spent half as much time fighting for this relationship instead of being pissed about what is going on. Then maybe we wouldnt be here! I dont know......there are going to be two people that read this and both of you are females....so gimme a female outlook!! And how and the hell can I meet people on here! I have had no such luck!! Christina, you are local to me so got any hot friends that need a guy with more issues than national geographic??? lol (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, March 10th, 2006
7:59 pm	Insane chatter! How wrong is it that I am so scared of being alone? I mean shit, I am 30 years old and dont want to be alone......the thought makes me just sick. I have been in a relationship on a pretty regular basis for almost 8 years. I know that the first thought most people are going to say is "maybe you need to be alone to figure things out" I would maybe argee, however I dont want to be alone. How bad is it that I the worst days with my wife are far better then the best days of being alone! Can you say C0-DEPENDENT????? Maybe is it, maybe it isnt! who knows! I look at Jo Ann's LJ and she just types and types and types, I just cant do that. I think it just maybe that I dont have that much to say! lol Just hate the fact that I have always been known as the nice funny guy. And with that label I am not allowed to have a bad day or get down in the dumps! I love making people laugh......think Jo Ann would say that is true! And Christina you can remember me so who knows what you will think!! lmao. Anyways I am going to end this one with "Have a coke and a smile!" Current Mood: pessimistic (1 Comment |Comment on this)
8:50 am	One the brink of a broken heart! well, here the latest and greatest in Mike's world......It would appear that I am well on my way to the Big D......DIVORCE! I have made some mistakes but I dont think that they are to the point where they warrant a divorce. My wife let's be blunt, told me that doesnt love me the way that she used to. And our fighting has done so much damage that is unrepairable. So, we are still living together and will continue to do so until the end of our lease. about 4 months. I so want for her to stay, but she isnt happy. I cant express how I feel cause I am full of all emotion. She said that I have changed. And I have I dont know why, But I know that I cant be the guy that I have been for the last 1 1/2 years. We had a really good day yesterday. No fighting, feeling good. But in my heart I know that its too little too late. I love her so much that I want for our marriage to end the way that it started....with her and I being friends! So I am going to show her that I havent changed so much, that I am still the man that she married! She is 99% sure that she is going to leave! SO i have a 1 % chance of her staying! Current Mood: depressed (10 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, February 18th, 2006
8:49 am	Holy Crap!!!! well, lets just say that by the age of 30 you would think I would know better! But oh hell no! I drink every once in a while.....not real often. And I haven't been drunk in 3-4 years. Well that changed last night. And I must say I remember why I havent been drunk in 3-4 years, I HATE IT! THe hangover is a bitch.....I feel like complete hammered dog shit. And that is saying the least! Let's just say that I will go another 3-4 years without being drunk......I dont think my body likes it very much anymore. So it is a valuable lesson learned. To make it worst, my butt has to be at work at noon! What fun that will be, it is going to be a ugly day!!!!!!!! Current Mood: groggy (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 25th, 2006
10:55 am	Thanks Joann Well thanks to Joann, I am now hooked up this Livejournal thing. I am not sure if I will use it like she does but we will see. (2 Comments |Comment on this)